It's a Steal

Let’s talk about stealing.

You might think, “Not talking to me. I’m not prone to sticky fingers." In the traditional sense of theft, I haven’t stolen anything since I swiped a piece of Bazooka bubblegum from Hatley’s Variety Store when I was eight.” (And I still feel bad about it.)

But this Swedish proverb might make you think again. “He who buys what he doesn’t need, steals from himself.” We’re thieving a lot of the time- but not this time.

I just saw this Fabulous Home Melon Slicer by the actual watermelons at the grocery store. It brought back a memory from about 25 years ago. We were at the beach and had gone to the Dairy Queen for a cone. There was a “gift” shop next door that had all the usual beach junk and then some. My young nephew was hellbent on having a battery operated ice cream cone twister. I don’t recall the marketing name but I’ll give you a picture. It was a plastic holder shaped like a traditional cake ice cream cone with a deeper bottom to accommodate the two Double A batteries (not included). The on/off switch was on the side. The lucky owner of this device could load his cone into the holder, flip the switch, and the cone would spin without the inconvenience of the eater having to do any manual rotating. You could just stick out your tongue and the cone would be licked evenly with steady 360 degree revolutions. I pointed out to my nephew that he had a perfectly functioning range of motion in both hands and this was a wasteful piece of junk, the purchase of which was a “gift” to no one other than the hopeful shop owner.

What’s was true 25 years ago, is still true today. He got his DQ cone. I got my watermelon.

“Everything is 100% off if you don’t buy it.“ The Minimalists Maxims

From steal to deal!

Thinking about it?

Yes, I was thinking about not letting the gas tank get down to fumes.

We all have things we hate to do, even when they’re not terribly taxing.* Getting gas is something I hate to do. I hated it in 1970 when gas was 36 cents a gallon and I wasn’t even the one paying for it, so it’s not a price problem. It’s a “me” problem. Despite being necessary, for some irrational reason, that wasn’t enough so I added urgent. Admittedly, this was a weird type of procrastination since running on fumes made me anxious, but every time I coasted into the station was validation that I had things under control. “See, I didn’t need to call AAA or wander down the road with a gas can.” I never once ran out of fuel, but I sure pressed the limits.

Some years back, when I drove a car with a diesel engine, I began to take urgent more seriously. Running out of fuel in a diesel was more than just a self-inflicted inconvenience that AAA could fix. I’m back to gas, but my diesel fueling habits have stuck with me.

About a quarter of a tank registers “empty” for me now. So I stopped to get gas, feeling good about myself for having skipped anxiety. Well, anxiety didn’t want to be denied. The flap that covers the gas cap wouldn’t open. This is not a higher order skill but I failed, or rather the flap failed. The owner’s manual failed -I already knew how to open it when it was working, but what the hell do you do when it isn’t? The first dealer I called failed- there is no fix other than bringing it in and we don’t have any appointments for a while. It was not looking good. I was glad for those 75 miles still in the tank. Filling up now looked unlikely but I called another dealer. He gave me a work around that worked, an appointment for the next business day to get it fixed and some reassurance about it probably being a computer glitch that “threw a code”. A gas flap governed by a computer… not entirely reassuring.

This trifling tale is turning into a saga so I’ll leave you with this. When things are both necessary and urgent, get them done, pronto. When they’re necessary but non-urgent- still get them done but with some wiggle room in the timing. When they’re urgent but unnecessary- have a talk with yourself. And when they’re neither necessary nor urgent- skip it, please.

*As I think about it, buying gas is really taxing, but the act of stuffing the nozzle into mouth of the tank really isn’t.

What In the wordle?

Like millions of others, I’m hooked on Wordle. This was today’s game. You might wonder what in the world this has to do with the philosophy of Rules and why in the world anyone would display this average-at-best performance. I’ll concede average-at-best. But solving Wordle has a lot in common with Rules.

My first two stabs were total misses. I felt my pulse quickening. I was heartened by the third guess- sort of educated- the solution has to have a vowel and voila- an O in the right place and a random S as well. Pulse slows. I fiddled around with the letters that were left and the answer came up green. From likely failure to done- with just two little words.

All of those dark grey letters could be eliminated. “Eliminating the unnecessary allows the necessary to speak.” Hans Hofmann

Bread and icing were mistakes. I knew not to use those those letters a second time if I hoped for success. “Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time.” Will Rogers

Five green squares- perfection- on a very small scale.“Perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add but when there is nothing more to take away.” St. Exupéry

Either you get it- easily, or by the skin of your teeth-or you don’t. “Do or don’t do, there is no try.” Yoda

Here’s to more doing- Wordle and otherwise.

The Upside of Upside Down

A timeless trilogy.

“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” Epictetus (1st century Greek Stoic philosopher)

“My barn burned down, and then I saw the moon.” Mizuta Masahide (17th century Japanese poet and samurai)

“One morning, a boy who had everything woke up and discovered that it was all gone. Everything was missing except for his hat.” Stephen Barr (21st century American literary agent and author)

What happens in this timeless fable to a boy who has nothing but his hat? Everything. Spoiler alert: Epictetus and Masahide were right. Loss and persistence give way to the discovery that the boy’s life was turning around. His hat is more than a hat- it’s everything.

And that’s a plenty. Needs and wants are different. We want a lot. We don’t need much.

Expectations are Running High

This ad ran opposite a NYTimes Style Magazine story, “Nothing To Hide”. “What these offerings underlined is that clothing reflects not just the way we live today but also the way we hope we might someday live.” I’m not usually at a loss for words, but this get-up has gotten me. So, I’ll let Iris Apfel wrap this up. "Fashion you can buy, but style you possess. The key to style is learning who you are, which takes years. There's no how-to road map to style. It's about self expression and, above all, attitude."

On second thought, if Iris is right, this could be style rather than fashion. Expectations are running high. Style for someday. Not for today. It will take years!

Lack-A-Wanna

I’d just crossed over the Lackawanna County line in Pennsylvania and had stopped for gas. As my tank was filling, I was considering the word Lackawanna. Which syllable to stress? What cadence was most natural? What did it mean? It sounded Native American and I hoped I’d remember to find out when I got home.

I was still chewing on Lackawanna as I went in the gas station get my receipt (Why the pumps can’t reliably generate a receipt is a mystery). This plush toy tower was unfortunately unmissable. And in a flash, I added the hyphens- Lack-a- wanna. I don’t want this! There was absolutely nothing I wanted other than my gas receipt.

I did remember to look up the word. It means “Stream that forks”. The Lenape Tribal lands had a stream that did just that. The same is true of our metaphorical “stuff stream”. It bifurcates into the needs branch and the wants branch. They’re separate and distinct, just like the two branches of the river.

Beware of the snags, eddies, rapids, and dangers lurking beneath the surface of both branches- especially the one carrying the wants. And do yourself a favor. The needs branch may have a gentle flow, but the wants branch is at most a trickle.

Lack-A- Wanna!

Wise Old... Songbirds

Move over owls…

Domed nests, like the one in the newspaper clipping, were once thought superior to open ones. The conventional wisdom was they offered better protection from predators and harsh weather. Turns out, a roof over their heads really isn’t good for songbirds. The fancier and more complicated the dwelling, the less robust the dweller. Domed houses are correlated with smaller ranges and fussier climate needs- maladaptations. A simpler nest is better.

I’m not suggesting you take the roof off your house, but it might be worth thinking twice about fancy and complicated. “Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.” Thor Heyerdahl, a Norwegian adventurer and ethnographer with a background in zoology, botany and geography.

Complicating simplicity? Birdbrained.

Hunting or Tossing?

All your eggs in one basket, good egg, rotten egg, egg on your face, walk on eggshells, nest egg, chicken and egg problem…there are dozens of eggy expressions. For today, imagine eggs as a stand in for the stuff that bedevils you.

Are you continually hunting for your eggs? Do you have too many to fit in your carton? Are any cracked or rotten? Are some of your eggs so fragile that using them seems fraught? Is your nest a mess?

This little bird’s song… Quit hunting if you should be tossing. And the familiar refrain… Carefully tend your nest.

Impulsive?

It has been ailing for years (missing parts and missing functions) but has refused to die. So, I keep asking myself, “What if I waited?”  The answer is always the same… What’s the worst that will happen?

I’ll have to exert a bit more effort to make a cup of coffee the non-fully automatic way- not so bad.

I’ll decide that the exertion is unacceptable and I’ll have to shell out for a new machine- not so bad.

So, this is an easy one to wait out.  My biggest reservation about waiting is fear that when this well-used and loved coffee maker is truly finished, the replacement options will all have mistakes masquerading as features. I don’t need 21 drink options, a double speed grinder, Wi-Fi enabled Smart Connect (god forbid), or 22 programmables (whatever that means).  And when you don’t need something, it’s usually wise not to want it.

“To act on impulse is to make oneself a hostage to ridicule.”  Aunt Agnes in The Gilded Age

So, I’m waiting…

Strings Attached

Possibly another solution looking for a problem? Or money looking for a distraction? Or simply a newspaper looking to fill column inches?

About these solutions: A plug or battery needed for all. They’ll set you back $40 to $180. Attributes touted- “Fashion-forward, compact for on-the-go, multimodal, all-in-one for brushing and flossing simultaneously (doable but awkward- sort of like patting one’s head while rubbing one’s belly)”

Damning with faint praise? The chair of clinical general dentistry at UCSF thinks so. “Nothing is as good as original, real-deal dental floss when it comes to cleaning in between the teeth.” And the Greek stoic, Epicurus would agree. “A man is wealthy in proportion to the things he can do without.”

Contrary to the headline, it seems these new fangled flossers come with lots of strings attached.

Let's Review

“I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.”

“And, after all, what is a fashion? From the artistic point of view, it is usually a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”

Oscar Wilde- wit, social critic, clever Victorian raconteur.  (From The Importance of Being Earnest - the comedic play in which the protagonists assume fictitious personae (Ernest) in their farcical escape from undesired social obligations.) 

Wish Wilde were still around. He’d be lobbying for this fashion to be altered sooner than in six months. In his absence, I’ll do the lobbying.

Life AND Death

The Times is a bit behind the times. Margareta Magnusson’s bold book, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning (subtitled How to Free Yourself and Your Family From a Lifetime of Clutter) was published in 2018. Maybe the Times wrote about it then and this is simply a pandemic-inspired follow up. I’m not sure how I came to know of this book, but I recall ordering a copy before it was even released. And I’ve read it several times; it’s the perfect blend of light-hearted and deadly serious.

From the author: “If we know something about our lives, it’s that we’re going to die, that’s for sure. In that case, we should have the courtesy to not burden our loved ones with a lifetime of clutter. “I don’t think that’s nice to leave that to your own children.” Simply put, “We should be preparing for the end throughout our lives, pruning as we go.”

From a NYC professional organizer who’s been swamped with elder-requests for purging. “Oh my God, nobody wants my stuff. I don’t even want my stuff.” Do your survivors a favor and get busy with your own “death cleaning”.

If you’re not too squeamish, read on. This is a previous blog. I could learn how to do a hyperlink. But I probably won’t.

THE DEAD PARENT FILE- SHEDDING LIGHT ON A DARK TOPIC

April 16, 2019

I’ve tried for years to entice a friend into co-writing a book called The Dead Parent File. It would be a folksy look at the pitfalls of dying with your financial and legal affairs in disarray and guidance on getting them in order. Sort of a companion to the Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, with the emphasis on accounts and documents rather than furnishing and memorabilia.

My intended co-author has been resolute in her refusals.  No cajoling, trading on a long friendship or repeated reminders of her natural talents and impressive credentials sway her.  “Yes, I’m funny and a good writer.  Yes, I’m an experienced lawyer. Yes, I’m personally acquainted with the pitfalls, having served as executor numerous times. Yes, a book like this would be useful to many. And yes, we might be interviewed on The Today Show. But no, I don’t have time to write it!”

So I’ve scaled back my ambitions and I’m going it alone.  If Margareta Magnsson, the author of Swedish Death Cleaning can find her voice at eighty plus years, I will celebrate getting a Medicare card by introducing The Dead Parent File.  As any sane reader will know, what I’m telling you is only a starting point.  But it’s a good start. Your financial advisor, accountant and attorney will be happy to fill in the details.  

I’ve had an actual file labeled “DEAD PARENT” for years.  I update it at least once a year.  You might say, macabre.  I think not.  Our children were a little squeamish when they first learned about it. But even as teenagers, they knew it would be useful, but hopefully no time soon. So far so good.

What is a dead parent file (DPF) and why should you have one? The obvious answer to why is that we’re all going to die.  And no matter how uncomplicated your life seems, your loved ones will be left holding the bag.  And what is the DPF? It’s an up-to-date record of all the things that live in bank and investment accounts, and safety deposit boxes. It’s insurance information and employment contracts. It’s wills, powers-of-attorney, health care POA, living wills.  It’s account numbers, passwords, important contacts, location of safety deposit box keys. It’s a list of things that need canceling lest you get soaked for membership fees for someone who is no longer among the quick. It’s details on how you want to be remembered and sent on your way.  It’s all of this and depending on your circumstances, more.

It doesn’t have to be overwhelming though. A Word document is enough.  It is the overview or outline of what your loved ones will need when the time comes. (“When the time comes” is often used to mean that “the time” might not ever come so let’s not worry about anything unpleasant now.  I assure you, this time will come.)  And what a lovely gift to those who remain that you’ve tidied things up for them! Who better to clean up any messes you’ve made than you?

My scaled-back ambitions produced just an essay, but hopefully that’s enough for you to make the Dead Parent File a part of your life.  I still think a book would be a good idea.  The subtitle would be “ Inquiring Minds Should Want To Know”. 

Thanks to Margareta Magnusson for writing The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. It didn’t catch on like Japanese Tiding Up, but I loved it.  And your loved ones will love you for taking care of your things so they don’t have to.

Cutting It Close

I like getting things done. “Do or don’t do, there is no try.” Yoda is often in my head. But not all “things” need to be done. Management guru, Peter Drucker’s guidance is simple and clear. “Efficiency is doing things right; effectiveness is doing the right things.” Getting the right things done is more important than getting random things done well. Sure, emptying the trash and deleting a pile of emails (also trash) will feel good but these things can wait a bit. These, and many more, are weak excuses for cutting it close.

I’ve become expert at cutting things close- appointments, rendezvouses with friends, scheduled swim times are all fair game. I’m almost always on time. So what’s the problem? Cutting it close is the wrong thing. Being good at it doesn’t make it any righter. It is stressful. It encourages riskier driving. It highlights my irrationality. “How dare that driver in front of me try to make a lefthand turn onto Providence Road in rush hour.” Whoa- that’s exactly what I’m planning to do as soon as he gets out of my way.

Mending my cutting-it-close ways has involved a lot of trying and not much doing. Hopefully this confession will lead to more doing. Doing the right things well, being “efficiently effective”…that’s cutting to the chase.

Which Came First...

Move over chicken and egg. This is about the solution and the problem. From a recent WSJ…

“The Thoughtful Throne: The Wellness Toilet concept by Toto will double as a health-monitoring device that can text you recipe suggestions to balance your diet.”

“Smart Ring is Wearable, Not Reliable: The Oura Ring 3 falls short as a gadget that can accurately evaluate basic health data.”

“A lot of these technologies are looking for problems to solve.”

When the solution precedes the problem, buyer beware. At least the chicken crossing the road was a reasonable solution to the bird’s problem of being on the wrong side of the road.

Bird brain!

Which Came First...

Move over chicken and egg. This is about the solution and the problem. From a recent WSJ…

“The Thoughtful Throne: The Wellness Toilet concept by Toto will double as a health-monitoring device that can text you recipe suggestions to balance your diet.”

“Smart Ring is Wearable, Not Reliable: The Oura Ring 3 falls short as a gadget that can accurately evaluate basic health data.”

“A lot of these technologies are looking for problems to solve.”

When the solution precedes the problem, buyer beware. At least the chicken crossing the road was a reasonable solution to the bird’s problem of being on the wrong side of the road.

Bird brain!

Perhaps More is More

Less is more is my default position but occasionally, more might be more. At 51,000 titles, this home library is a contender. Here’s what makes it work. It’s not put together by a decorator for show. It was built book by book by its owner who knew his books. And actually read them. A bit chaotic and uneven can be just right. A lot can be delightful.

I’ll admit that if this were a closet with thousands of pieces of trendy clothing, I’d have turned my nose up at it. But this room is solid and satisfying. The library tables, Windsor chairs, lamps, and shelves all owe their existence to the books. It’s a little higgledy-piggledy, but still the books are tended. The librarian cared enough to invest not just his money but also his time. He bought the best and skipped a lot of weeping.

Ingrid Lee, a writer who was quoted in the story about this library had some advice. I hope it sounds familiar.

Honor style over trends- resist novelty; shop first in your home; buy things that “wear in” rather than “wear out”; tend your things; avoid the temporary trap and buy fewer things, better things.

Find your theme and stick to it. I’m not about to tell you what you should like, but at the least, you should know what that is.

An Epiphany

Not so many days ago, I was crowing about where I stored my extra stuff. “ In the store.” I don’t give a fig about spare paper towels. I’d prefer to let the extras live at the store. The same goes for lots of stuff that people tell me they hoard. They don’t call it hoarding; it’s stocking up- to be prepared, to save time, to satisfy just-in-case.

Well… I’ve seen the light. I’ve got some things that aren’t stored in the store so I guess I’m a hoarder too. Things are harder to find than they used to be. This is a tell-all (or at least most) picture of my recent shopping hat trick. The Peets and Topo Chico are daily enjoyments that will last about a month. The Quick Vue tests? Not so enjoyable. Hopefully a lifetime supply.

That’s the tell-most part. And here’s the tell-all part.

A good friend told me that the elusive rapid home Covid tests were in stock at the nearby pharmacy. I hurried over only to be greeted by a hand-scrawled sign on the door with the disappointing message that if you’re looking for a covid test, look elsewhere. Since I was there, why not pop in and ask, just to be sure. The same message was taped to the plexiglass shield by the register. It didn’t look promising. But there I was, so I asked. The cashier pointed to four boxes tucked by her register. “This is what we’ve got.” Great. I was glad I’d asked. “How many do you want?” All four, of course. “You can only buy two. Do you want one or two?”

This struck my funny bone. It doesn’t take much these days to qualify as entertainment and rather than being annoyed, I was amused. The impulse to sort of politely inquire why she asked how many I wanted rather than tell me there was a limit of two? Gone. The incorrect, sloppy signage that I’d been thinking Corporate should know about? Not my circus, not my monkeys. Thanks to a droll cashier. a shopping trip that looked sure to be disappointing became delightful,

Maybe Corporate should know about this!

Which One?

It’s the day when the English poet, Tennyson reminds us of hope smiling from the threshold of the year to come. It’s also the day when the acclaimed Brazilian writer, Paulo Coelho puts in his two cents worth. “One day or day one. You decide.” Coelho adds, “Elegance is achieved when all that is superfluous has been discarded and the human being discovers simplicity…” It’s simple. Out with the unnecessary so the necessary can breathe.

The Day of Resolution is often met with little resolve. Aspirational can mean unattainable. As you start afresh, don’t make it harder than it has to be. Extend yourself an olive branch as you turn over a new leaf in the book you’ll live this year.

Today. Day one or one day? You decide.

Well...

Well… Let’s try again. I understand yesterday’s post didn’t work worth a hoot.  I’m blaming the glitch on Squarespace, but maybe it was me. Anyway, here’s a second try.

This is not a piece about corona-induced shortages of an everyday item. It’s about a situation that pre-dates Covid by decades. It’s been around so long that in richer parts of the world, it’s endemic. It’s here and it’s probably here to stay. We’ve learned to live with It and businesses say, “Thank you very much.”

It is clutter. Why are we hellbent on accumulating a bunch of questionable baggage? There are lots of reasons. Ingrained habits, money in search of a distraction, crafty marketing, slaking of emotions, keeping up appearances, panic buying…

And what can be done about It? Ask yourself a few questions before you indulge your impulse to buy. Is It a want or a need? Do I have room for It? What if I waited?

Clutter is messy, it’s embarrassing, it’s expensive, it’s bad for your health. If the impulse-quelling questions don’t work, consider this jewel from a recent NYTimes column on clutter. When the columnist asked a neighbor where she kept her extra paper towels, without skipping a beat, the neighbor replied, “In the store.”

I’ll not soon forget this line.  It’s a good companion to another winner from A Bunch of Pretty Things I Did Not Buy. “They may be fair trade, organic leg warmers, but if your legs aren’t cold, it’s still a frivolous purchase.”

Inoculate yourself against clutter. Remember It is “In the store.”

The Comfort Crisis

This story in the WSJ reminded me of a recently published book, The Comfort Crisis. The author’s thesis isn’t that things are too hard; it’s that things have become too easy. I know, “first world problem” but if that’s where you live (and I’m pretty anyone reading this calls the first world, home), overly comfortable can tend toward spoiled.

Consider the victims of the recent Amazon Web Services cloud-computing outage. Oh the hardships and indignities subscribers suffered! The internet-connected cat kibble dispenser failed to dispense. The robotic vacuum sat idle despite its owner’s command to clean the muffin crumbs from the kitchen floor. Alexa and Siri were AWOL- lights went unlit and requests for weather, music, and news went unanswered, Ring doorbells didn’t.

Until I read about this outage, I was unaware that so many has been temporarily inconvenienced. Learning that people were honestly put out by having to feed the cat, flip the light switch, get out a broom or open the door to check the temperature was shocking. That anyone would willingly have their particular stripe of comfort crisis exposed by the WSJ was even more shocking. At least some of these folks admitted that they’d gotten lazy by depending on a connection to the cloud for so many basic daily needs. Wants seems a more accurate description than needs. Remember, they’re not the same.

I was feeling pretty smug until my own little comfort crisis put me in my place. The heater for the indoor pool where I swim is on the fritz. As one day became several, I ramped up from mildly annoyed to full-fledged victim despairingly quickly. How dare this thing break. How dare the replacement part not be in stock locally. How dare the supply chain from CA to NC be snarled. How dare the water temperature drop 10 degrees. Whoa! Who’s spoiled now? So I did what I hope the owners of the cats and Roombas et al. did. I realized I could endure some discomfort so I’m enduring and hopefully learning a lesson. Too easy can be as much of a problem as too hard.

We’d all prefer that the conveniences and comforts to which we’ve become accustomed wouldn’t fail us, but let’s call a fig a fig. An inconvenience, an annoyance, a glitch… sure. But crisis…not really.